Regret for what I let
Get away
Sorrowful pangs of longing
Wash over me like
Rogue waves
So many things
Get away from me
And so many things
Have yet to arrive
The physiological calibration of my brain has shifted so far out of kilter that my consciousness sounds like an instrument that was detuned to sate the discordant reveries of a chaos monster.
As a result, harmonious reflection is nearly impossible. And when you’re going through a gauntlet of shit, the need for that mellifluous hum to permeate the soundscape your mind is paramount.
Otherwise, organizing your cognition in a positive, goal-directed way for any meaningful length of time becomes an exercise in futility.
If inner monologue is musical performance, then I can’t conduct mine right now, because the orchestra is filled with instruments producing an assault of incongruous sounds.
So I must accept the cacophony of my mind’s current inability to harmonize its constituent elements into an acoustic environment that induces a sense of optimism.
the vestal innocence of
a bygone smile has
wizened into a
rictus of suffering
Driven to despair
I took a dip
In the lake of
Serenity
That poisons me
As poise gave way
To gracelessness
Ennui became
Infinity
“Remember me”
A wretch beseeched
With eyes from which
All light had leached
Like stars plucked from
Tranquility
And plunged beneath
The sea, where life
Is snuffed out by
Antipathy
2019 is a tale of anguish
I faced the darkness
Of forever and
Languished
….what can I do
To kindle my spirit
Anew?
Tomorrow is sorrow
Today is yay when
Pleasure is bought
With decay
I fumble
Meander
And tumble
With grandeur
—I fuck up
And flounder
Round year—
But I always
Endure
What does an authentic life look like?
I need to discover my original mind.
A castle made of sand that stands
the test of time….
That tidal waves of truth
will leave behind.
Ugh, fuck you for depriving me of the ability to have closure.
Seriously, fuuuuuck you.
You fucking cowardly asshole.
I hate that I ever even think of you.
I wish I could erase you sometimes.
I daydream of you reaching out….
So I can tell you how shitty you were.
Because dear god were you shitty.
Hopefully this is becoming less common, but….
Fuck you.
No, seriously, fuck you.
You fucking coward.
I can’t wait for you to be nothing to me.
And to live more largely
Than you can even dream.